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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and anxiety.

Even processing later can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.